I got an email from the customer service manager at Livescribe about my absurd/appalling experience with their tech support line and this is what the manager said:
"I’m the Customer Service Manager here and can definitely help you with your issue. The system failure 3 problem on your pen can be resolved by using the Master Reset application she sent you, which will erase the corrupt data on the pen. You should then be able to get the Livescribe Desktop software to recognize the pen, at which point you can follow the instructions in that email to reload the firmware onto the pen. The system failure 3 problem occurred in an older firmware version, so once you apply the master reset and get the latest firmware, you should not have the problem again."
OKAY. Let's go over this One More Time for good measure, guys: My computer is not recognizing the SmartPen. I cannot use the Master Reset. This is The Whole Problem, it has always been the problem. I have uninstalled the driver and restarted my computer, undocked, re-docked, uninstalled the Livescribe desktop, reinstalled it, unplugged the USB, replugged, switched it. I. Have. Done. Everything. You. Told. Me. To. Stop telling me to do the same things over and over again. I am not a monkey. The. SmartPen. Is. Broken. Thank you.